animal

VICTORIA, BC – Dogs across the nation report that they know you’re having a rough time lately and they’re ready to give you whatever the heck you need, okay? “Normally, my owner wakes me up with words like ‘walk’ and ‘breakfast’,” said…

HALIFAX, NS – A shocking new report written by acclaimed naturalist, David Attenborough, and published by unlikelyrecipes.com suggests that not only are turtles delicious, but they conveniently come with a biodegradable bowl. “They’re my…

ST. JOHN’S, NF — Local cat Barney Gabriel Boudreault has shared that he gets his best ideas at three o’clock in the morning. “They say an artist can’t afford to wait around for inspiration,” says Barney, sitting in a velvet armchair and…

LOUISVILLE, KY- Despite pleas to reconsider his stance by his family and veterinarian, local farm horse Mr. Clip Clop has thrown away his prescribed ivermectin and is using doses of COVID-19 vaccinations to treat his worm problem. “I first…

REGINA, SK – Household sources are reporting that, as of 8pm last evening, the cat apparently likes to eat decorative flowers now. This stunning feline development was first witnessed by cat owner Amy Grismund, 28. “Yesterday I picked up…

VANCOUVER – Marine researchers were initially happy to report that three critically endangered killer whales have recently become pregnant all at the same time, until further tests revealed that each whale had been impregnated by the same…

VANCOUVER — In response to the recent spate of coyote attacks in Stanley Park, the city of Vancouver debuted an action plan yesterday to humanely relocate the animals from the popular wilderness attraction to more affordable woodlands.…

TOKYO – Scandal has rocked the Olympics as dressage horses Bella Rose and Dream Boy were caught violating the ban on sex between athletes. “COVID forced us to re-evaluate our normally permissive stance on competitor intimacy,” an Olympic…

VANCOUVER – Acknowledging the failure of typical animal control measures to quell a spate of violent coyote attacks over the last few months in Stanley Park, the City of Vancouver has decided to sacrifice one jogger every year to the…

REGINA – Boris, an orange Persian cat, wowed his neighbourhood with his uncanny resemblance to Garfield by eating an entire lasagna before dying from diet-induced health issues. “Everyone loved the real-life Garfield,” said Boris’ owner Jim…