articles

DENVER—Realizing he could still make something of himself and even attain social prominence, local man Paul Aleman reportedly took solace Tueday in the fact that the person with the longest documented lifespan, the late Jeanne Calment of…

The U.S. will purchase 500 million doses of the Pfizer Covid-19 vaccine to donate to 92 low-income countries and the African Union over the next year as pressure intensifies for wealthy countries to share their surplus. What do you…

EAU CLAIRE, WI—Browsing for something that was both classy and versatile, local man Ron Schneider was shopping for a bowling shoe Thursday that could also be worn to funerals and weddings. “I don’t want to have a closet full of shoes, but I…

CINCINNATI—In an effort to ensure the dazzling culinary performance received the thoughtful consideration it deserved, staff at a local Benihana restaurant reportedly asked diners Wednesday to surrender their phones so everyone could be in…

While mason jars and metal straws may seem like a hot internet trend, there’s actually a larger movement of everyday people trying to eliminate waste from their lives entirely. You asked The Onion your most pressing questions about living a…

With summer fast approaching, it’s time to pick up a shovel, head to a nursery, and spend hundreds of dollars on plants you will inevitably kill. Here are some of the most common mistakes made by home gardeners, and how to avoid…

WASHINGTON—After weeks of tense negotiation between Democratic and Republican leaders, Congress reached a compromise Wednesday to investigate the events of Jan.9. “The attack on the Capitol was a notorious day in American history that we…

FENTON, MI—In a bid to protect what many are calling a vital part of the town’s character, a neighborhood in Fenton, MI held a public rally Friday to demand that a decades-old pothole be designated a historic landmark. “Down at City Hall,…

WASHINGTON—Pledging to finally end America’s reliance on fossil fuels, Biden held a press conference Friday to outline the centerpiece of his renewable energy plan to invade Mt. Olympus and steal the mythic bag of wind from the God Aeolus.…

LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND—Gearing up for the Tokyo Games after a yearlong delay due to Covid-19, a group of gasping, out-of-shape athletes representing a variety of different sports reportedly pleaded with the International Olympic Committee…