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WAVERLY, NE—Laughing uproariously as they watched the aging, often handicapped seniors dance, staff members at local nursing home Heartland Care Facility told reporters Friday that the best way to keep elderly residents active was to grab a…

While European companies have begun experimenting with four-day workweeks, American companies have yet to adopt the practice. The Onion asked American CEOs to explain why they oppose a shorter workweek, and this is what they…

AKRON, OH—During a press conference in which they described the game as the best option available for passing the long hours their parents spent drinking at bars, children of the nation’s alcoholics announced Thursday that they might as…

The European Commission will permit airlines to provide 5G connectivity on board, allowing passengers to make phone calls and use high-speed data on their cell phones during their flight. What do you think?“If it’s not going to crash the…

A new CDC study found that in 2020 the average American life expectancy fell by a year and a half due mainly to the coronavirus pandemic, with Black and Hispanic American life expectancy experiencing a far steeper decline of three years.…

Finding the love of your life is hard enough without technology that allows you to get rejected by every other single person in your area. Here are insane things that everyone who uses online dating apps has experienced.Advertisement2 / …

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Emphasizing the mental strength and speed required to deescalate skirmishes between world-class athletes, a new mixed martial arts gym opened Tuesday dedicated to training the next generation of guys who hold back fighters…

Illinois has become the first state to bar police officers from lying and using other deceptive tactics when interrogating juveniles, such as promising leniency or insinuating that incriminating evidence exists. What do you think?“But it’s…

Pop star Olivia Rodrigo met with President Biden and Covid-19 medical adviser Dr. Anthony Fauci at the White House to record videos encouraging young people to get vaccinated against the novel coronavirus. What do you think?“As an old…

The European Union on Wednesday announced a slew of new climate change legislation aimed at making its 27 member states carbon neutral by 2050. The Onion looks at the key components of the EU’s new climate change plan.AdvertisementTighter…