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ESCONDIDO, CA—Instituting a sustainability policy intended to make the facility more eco-friendly, Sacred Heart Medical Center announced Friday that it was switching to reusable canvas blood bags. “We have begun phasing out traditional…

MONTCLAIR, NJ—Saying that a lot had changed since Old St. Nick left the North Pole last Christmas, a local mall Santa instructed children Monday not to sit on Santa’s colostomy bag. “Ho, ho, ho, Santa is so excited to see all his favorite…

ONTARIO, CA—Muttering “Shit, where is it, shit” while frustratedly pulling out miscellaneous objects, local woman Alice Wallen asked the person attacking her Thursday for 30 more seconds so she could dig the pepper spray out of her bag.…

WASHINGTON—Touting his administration’s commitment to improving the nation’s rapidly deteriorating infrastructure, President Joe Biden announced Monday that he had officially secured the United States of America an extra trash can. “After…

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