Baseball

ARLINGTON, TX—Easing back into shape after a long offseason, frail, emaciated Major League Baseball players confirmed Wednesday that they were still a few weeks away from regaining the strength necessary to lift a single baseball. “It’s…

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After having his name dragged through the mud by legacy media over frivolous sexual assault allegations for more than two years, former Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Trevor Bauer’s legal battle with his accuser has been settled, his legal…

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LOS ANGELES—After months of speculation over his playing future, baseball phenom Shohei Ohtani announced Friday his plans to leave the Los Angeles Angels for a team in Major League Baseball. “It’s been an honor playing for the Angels, and…

VALDOSTA, GA—Explaining that even his deeply ingrained support for his country had its limits, zealous American patriot Gabriel Bartlett told reporters this week that he drew the line at women playing soccer. “I don’t care that they…

GUILDERLAND, NY—A pathetic display of deception and self-debasement reportedly occurred Tuesday when a theatrical farce featuring teammates, parents, and coaches pretended a Little Leaguer’s 12-error dribbler was a real home run. Sources…