beef

SOUDERTON, PA—Taking stock of his life as his looming death crept ever closer, a local veal calf approaching slaughter reportedly found himself wistfully wishing this week that he had seen more of his 30-inch-wide pen. “If I’m being honest,…

SILVER SPRING, MD—In an effort to gain insight into the food product, the Food and Drug Administration announced Friday it had recalled 50 million pounds of ground meat just to see what that much ground meat would look like in one room.…

NAPERVILLE, IL—Working quickly and efficiently after the roast beef sandwich he’d been eating unexpectedly began to leak juices from the back, local man Dave Brauer reportedly rushed to strategically hold his dripping food over other food…

NORTHBROOK, IL—His eyes widening as he realized there was neither a roast nor tenderloin in sight, local husband Eric Mavis reportedly expressed concern Monday over the lack of meat in his family’s shopping cart. “Wait, what are we going to…

MINONG, WI—Saying the product was only for those truly serious about feeding their wild side, beef snack purveyor Jack Link’s announced Friday it had begun selling a new, extra-tough barbed jerky, reportedly its most indigestible processed…

Netflix’s new hit TV series “Beef” reminds viewers that regardless of one’s station in life, nothing in the secular world, whether anger, revenge, money, status, or even relationships, can fill our inner void. Faith is our only…

DIMMITT, TX—After a devastating explosion at an industrial dairy farm that reportedly killed at least 18,000 head of cattle, hungry Texans who had strapped on a bib and prayed for dinner Thursday cheered when thousands of beef ribs fell…

CHICAGO—Mindlessly shoveling the dry meat into his mouth while staring at the television, local dad Ron Guadiano was reportedly snacking on a bowl of ground beef Monday. Family sources confirmed that Guadiano had retrieved from the…

BALTIMORE—Providing further insight into modern eating habits, a study published Monday by researchers at Johns Hopkins University found that a majority of Americans no longer bother to unwrap their hamburgers before eating them. “The…

At this point, you likely won’t be able to get close to this burger without gagging, not only because of the near-complete putrefaction, but from the dawning realization of all this time and energy you’ve poured into watching it. Just…