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CHICAGO—Laughing off another encounter, this time while riding the bus, local woman Lillian Bedford confirmed Wednesday that she just has one of those faces strangers feel comfortable masturbating to. “Waiting for a train, in line at the…

NORRISTOWN, PA—Expressing disbelief in how different his life had turned out, local man Jerrod Kendal told reporters Tuesday that he never thought he would become one of those bug-laid-eggs-in-his-ear kind of guys. “Sure, I always thought…

INDIANAPOLIS—Signifying the absolute height of his prowess over the past four decades, dry humping at the age of 16 remained the peak of local man Ed Seldon’s abilities as a sexual partner, sources confirmed Wednesday. Several reports…

LEAWOOD, KS—In a rollout of what the theater chain has dubbed “experience-based pricing,” AMC announced Tuesday that they were now basing ticket prices on proximity to a guy masturbating in the dark. “Starting Feb. 10, the cost of tickets…

BOSTON—Despite everyone laughing at what is admittedly a very silly misunderstanding, a report released Tuesday found that you should not be fooled and that even now the seeds of resentment are taking root. “Go ahead and yuck it up about…

With an increasing number of people seeking professional help to address intimacy issues, The Onion examines the most common questions that sex therapists get asked.Advertisement2 / 25“This session comes with a happy ending, right?”List…