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WASHINGTON—According to a poll released Wednesday by the Pew Research Center, the majority of Americans don’t trust Donald Trump or Joe Biden to watch their stuff while they are in the bathroom. “Our survey of over 10,000 likely voters…

WASHINGTON—Gesturing with a frail hand while shuddering under a blanket, President Joe Biden reportedly asked the nation Monday to come and sit by him and keep him company until the end. “Come, my hour draws near,” said Biden, who patted…

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President Biden officially announced his bid for reelection Tuesday morning, saying in a solemn launch video that he wants to “finish the job” he started when the country was racked by a deadly pandemic, a reeling economy and a teetering…

President Joe Biden announced Tuesday that he’ll run for reelection in 2024 despite consistently low approval ratings. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of the president running for reelection.God Fact: Did You Know?OffEnglishPROSets…

WILMINGTON, DE—Describing how she had hit the ground running in managing the incumbent’s 2024 bid, President Joe Biden’s campaign manager Julie Chávez Rodríguez said Wednesday that her job mainly involved figuring out who exactly the…

WASHINGTON—According to the results of a new poll released Monday by Gallup, a majority of Americans stated they would respect President Joe Biden more if he shot them. “We found that Biden’s favorability among Americans on all ends of the…

WASHINGTON—Addressing members of the press corps with breathy coos and flirty air-kisses, a coy President Joe Biden reportedly appeared nude behind a folding fan Friday, presumably to tease a 2024 reelection campaign. “Run for president?…

FLOYD, VA—Unlatching the tailgate and shooing the senior California senator out of the truck bed, President Joe Biden reportedly sped away in his pickup Thursday after dropping Dianne Feinstein off in an empty field. “You stay right there,…

WASHINGTON—After watching from the stands Sunday as Louisiana State University defeated the University of Iowa in the NCAA women’s basketball championship, first lady Jill Biden announced that she would invite all women who had ever touched…