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WASHINGTON—In a heartwarming and touching end to the story of two soulmates, sources confirmed Thursday that President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump died two minutes apart holding hands. “Only minutes before their deaths, they…

WASHINGTON—As part of a $1 trillion clean energy plan to make executives say the word climate more, President Joe Biden announced Wednesday that the federal government would be awarding subsidies to any CEO who says the word climate.…

WASHINGTON—Drawing swift rebukes from regulators and industry activists, the Biden administration came under fire Thursday for breaking child labor laws after half of the federal cabinet was revealed to be under the age of 10. “We’ve…

The Biden administration approved a massive $8 billion drilling project in Alaska for oil company ConocoPhillips, drawing objections from environmental groups who say it will speed up the climate breakdown and undermine food security. What…

SAN DIEGO—Saying this was the sort of sweetheart deal that he wouldn’t give his own mother, a fast-talking Joe Biden reportedly upsold Australian Prime Minister Anthony Albanese on two extra nuclear submarines this week, but emphasized that…

LOS GATOS, CA—In a statement confirming the 46th president of the United States would not be providing it with so much as a voice-over, let alone an onscreen appearance, Netflix announced Monday there was no way in hell it would give…

WASHINGTON—Sighing as he gave in to the demands of all 330 million Americans, President Joe Biden announced Monday that the nation could stay up until 9:30 p.m. just this once. “But then it’s straight off to bed, no complaining,” said the…

KYIV, UKRAINE—Arriving with a box of chocolates and a bouquet of flowers tucked under his arm, President Joe Biden informed Volodymr Zelensky on Tuesday that he was only in the region to visit a local woman he met online. “Sorry, pal, I…

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to relieve some of the tremendous insecurity and anxiety he had been experiencing lately, President Joe Biden reportedly reassured himself Tuesday that people weren’t even thinking about him all that much. “People…