branchesofbiology

CHICAGO—In an effort boost confidence and improve the overall experience for commuters, the Chicago Transit Authority announced plans Tuesday to begin hosing train cars down with fresh piss. “We are proud to introduce a new initiative that…

NEW YORK—Contradicting earlier recommendations on the proper amount of rest adults need each night, researchers at Columbia University released a report Thursday claiming that two hours of sleep was plenty for anyone who didn’t think…

WASHINGTON—Saying the sender’s contributions were appreciated but ultimately self-defeating, Capitol Police told reporters Wednesday that a thoughtful letter on how to improve the legislative process was undercut by the poison powder…

GENEVA—Promising the fastest and most accurate results in the market, Swiss Precision Diagnostics introduced a new at-home Clearblue test Tuesday that tells users if they’re beautiful. “There’s nothing worse than uncertainty, but with the…

GARY, IN—Confirming the results after extensive medical imaging, a team of doctors at Indiana University Northwest reported Wednesday a case of one twin absorbing another at the age of 62. “It’s more common than you think,” said Dr. Joseph…

NEW YORK—Saying the rapid gains had caused her to reflect on her dietary habits, local fetus Sarah Lehman reportedly panicked Monday after ballooning up to 500 times her original weight. “I’ve gotta slow down with the placenta, man—some of…

LONDON—In an attempt to determine how attendees might react to his latest research, a scientist speaking at the Third International Summit on Human Genome Editing this week reportedly wanted to know where his colleagues stood before he…

DAYTON, OH—Insisting that it worked every time, local parents Lewis and Dawn Ladin tricked their child into eating more vegetables Wednesday by hitting him if he didn’t eat his vegetables. “I’ve found the best way to dupe my kid into eating…

In a recent study, scientists were able to alter the genetic structures of DNA in mice to either accelerate or reverse effects of aging like deteriorating eyesight, smaller attention span, and skin tissue falters. What do you think?“This…

BOSTON—Despite everyone laughing at what is admittedly a very silly misunderstanding, a report released Tuesday found that you should not be fooled and that even now the seeds of resentment are taking root. “Go ahead and yuck it up about…