business2cfinance

PALO ALTO, CA—Responding to reports that Facebook maintains a large and active user base, Facebook parent company Meta confirmed Wednesday that the pioneering social media platform was now entirely memorialized accounts. “There hasn’t been…

NEW YORK—Promising to restore “law and order” to New York City Transit, the Metropolitan Transportation Authority announced Monday that it would implement new minimum income requirements to ride the subway. “Going forward, all MTA customers…

WASHINGTON—In the wake of the collapse of Silicon Valley Bank and subsequent government bailout of its depositors, the Federal Reserve took steps Friday to assure venture capitalists that they’re very smart and important. “You are just the…

BELLEVUE, WA—Calling the actor “a perfect fit” for the cell phone carrier’s brand, T-Mobile announced Thursday that they had acquired Ryan Reynolds’ Mint Mobile in an effort to make their company more annoying. “We already consistently drop…

Silicon Valley Bank, a financial institution primarily serving the tech industry, experienced the second-biggest bank collapse in the nation’s history on Friday, stoking fears of further economic blowback. The Onion tells you everything you…

NEW YORK—Calling it a desirable low-risk, high-yield option, financial experts reportedly recommended Thursday that Americans invest in businesses the government will bail out anytime they fuck up. “We strongly encourage people to put their…

Silicon Valley Bank collapsed after a stunning 48 hours in which a bank run and a capital crisis led to the second-largest failure of a financial institution in U.S. history. What do you think?“Let’s hurry up and bail it out so we can do…

Two men face federal criminal charges after authorities said they entered private property in Nebraska and shot a North American bald eagle with the intent to eat it. What do you think?“It’s illegal to eat a bald eagle because doing so…

Russian president Vladimir Putin has announced that he will be suspending the New START nuclear arms reduction treaty with the United States when it expires in 2026, imperiling the last remaining pact that regulates the world’s two largest…

According to a new report, Americans’ credit card balances increased by $61 billion to $986 billion in the last quarter of 2022, the highest quarterly growth on record, with the data showing payment delinquencies on the rise as well. What…