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NEW YORK—Explaining that the matter could at long last be put to rest, the nation’s major news outlets announced Thursday that this week’s indictment of the former president would finally close the chapter on media coverage of Donald Trump.…

PALM BEACH, FL—Pushing a hastily packed steamer trunk filled with clothes and money aboard his yacht before setting sail for the open seas, a desperate Donald Trump reportedly fled Friday for the remote island of Manhattan. “It’ll be a long…

Former President Donald Trump is facing a potential indictment by the Manhattan district attorney over alleged hush money payments to adult film actress Stormy Daniels, setting off a national firestorm of controversy. The Onion tells you…

NEW YORK—Saying he had fallen for her the moment he realized she valued money over truth just as much as he did, News Corp and Fox News chair Rupert Murdoch told reporters Thursday he knew his fiancée was the one when she repeatedly lied to…

Ninety-two-year-old billionaire Rupert Murdoch announced his engagement to 66-year-old Ann Lesley Smith just six months after the pair first met and seven months after his divorce from his fourth wife. What do you think?“It’s crazy to think…

Start SlideshowAdvertisementPrevious SlideNext Slide2 / 25The Onion: “Okay, fair warning: Donald Trump is kind of our friend, so watch what you say in this interview because we will tell him.”The Onion: “Okay, fair warning: Donald Trump is…

MEDINA, WA—With tears welling in his eyes as he sought out his most treasured reminder of his late friend, business magnate Bill Gates reportedly called Jeffrey Epstein’s number Monday just to hear his voicemail greeting again. “Of course I…

LOW EARTH ORBIT—Noting that he had a feeling something was off the second he left for a spacewalk, SpaceX Crew member Chris Jeffries told reporters Friday that he realized he had been fired after being locked out of the Dragon capsule.…

PALM BEACH, FL—Boasting that the Florida governor’s human rights violations were “nothing” next to his own, Donald Trump reportedly one-upped Ron DeSantis Friday by claiming he had tortured more prisoners at Guantánamo Bay. “I laughed way…

MEDINA, WA—Calling everything he had done in his life and career up to this point in time “absolutely worthless,” Bill Gates told reporters Friday that he wondered what he could have accomplished if he didn’t waste time becoming a…