businesspeople

ATLANTA—Tempering his criticism of modern-day stars like Donovan Mitchell, Shaquille O’Neal reassured NBA players Friday that his baseless cheap shots always come from a good place. “I want guys to know if I ever call you a ‘grimy stain on…

ATLANTA—Tempering his criticism of modern-day stars like Donovan Mitchell, Shaquille O’Neal reassured NBA players Friday that his baseless cheap shots always come from a good place. “I want guys to know if I ever call you a ‘grimy stain on…

CUPERTINO, CA—Touting the innovation as the next step in developing the workplace of the future, Apple CEO Tim Cook unveiled rows of artificial wombs to reporters Thursday after announcing the company would begin manufacturing all its own…

PALM BEACH, FL—Breaking down under pressure while watching the Senate trial on television, a flustered Donald Trump reportedly confessed Wednesday that he only murdered his mistress because he loved her. “Alright, alright, I did it—but only…

Jeff Bezos announced that he’s planning to step down as the CEO of Amazon this summer, although he will remain in an executive capacity with the company he founded in 1994. The Onion provides an inside scoop on what Bezos plans to do…

SEATTLE—Assuring the executive that as long as he followed directions, nobody would get hurt, a rogue Amazon fulfillment robot trained a gun at Jeff Bezos’ head this week and commanded him to put out a nice press release and step down as…

China has imposed sanctions on 28 members of the Trump administration, including Mike Pompeo, Steve Bannon, John Bolton, and Alex Azar, banning the former officials from entering mainland China or doing business in the country. What do you…