buttigieg

WASHINGTON—Trapped beneath nearly five pounds of aluminum and plastic, Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg was reportedly unable to move Thursday after his body was pinned beneath a derailed model train. “Oh God, help me—somebody…

WASHINGTON—Whistling a spirited tune as he tackled his inbox Friday, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg was seen taking a flattened possum from a pile of work and neatly filing the remains in a folder labeled “Roadkill.” “There you go,…

WASHINGTON—Speaking slowly in an effort to draw out his remarks during a televised address, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg reportedly distracted the U.S. populace with a speech Thursday while his department stole the nation’s…

This is my first Christmas without my dad. As hard as it is for me and my siblings, it’s harder still for our mother, who is having her first Christmas since 1963 without him. Dad’s days in the hospital and subsequent death ushered in a…

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WASHINGTON—Rambling incoherently about the benefits of travel upon a single looped surface, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg launched an initiative Wednesday to build Möbius highways that will allow cars to drive for infinity. “See,…

ST, JOSEPH, MI—Sighing as he opened the bumpy envelope, local boy Finn Gleason, nephew of Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg, reportedly received another birthday card from his uncle Thursday that was filled with gravel. “‘Don’t…

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WASHINGTON—With watchdog groups decrying yet another instance of corruption by high-placed government officials, Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg was reportedly under fire Thursday for using federal funds for rides on a gilded…

WASHINGTON—Fighting back tears as he mustered the courage to do what needed to be done, Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg reportedly cut a train’s brake lines Monday so it could run free. “Go, just get out of here! You’ve been…