cats

WINDSOR — Local cat Furvel Mittenpaws has sent shockwaves through the Watson household after deliberately knocking over the family’s swear jar in an act of pure malice. “That son of a bitch knew exactly what the fuck he was doing,” said…

TIMMINS, ON — Upon hearing the unmistakable sound of a scoop dig into a wet clump of litter, three-year-old Muffins Fitzwilliam has climbed atop his cat tree to look down upon you with the quiet, menacing authority of a tiny feudal lord.…

NAPANEE – A recent trip to the vet has drained hundreds of absolute units from your bank account after it was confirmed your furbaby was in perfect health. The vet was heckin’ thrilled to report they found nothing wrong despite a bill…

LUNENBURG, NS – Despite tensions increasing across the globe as Russian president Vladimir Putin again promised swift retaliation and total nuclear annihilation should NATO forces intervene in Ukraine, the sleep of a small kitten, basking…

GUELPH, ON – Researchers at the Ontario Veterinary College have published a paper containing a groundbreaking discovery: toe beans are an excellent source of Vitamin EEEEEEE. The researchers made the discovery after the rigorous evaluation…

Finding yourself alone yet again on Valentine’s day? With no one to share the special day with, except that cat you agreed to adopt when your roommate moved to Montreal? Not to worry, The Beaverton has you covered with this comprehensive…

REGINA, SK – Household sources are reporting that, as of 8pm last evening, the cat apparently likes to eat decorative flowers now. This stunning feline development was first witnessed by cat owner Amy Grismund, 28. “Yesterday I picked up…

PICKERING, ON – Maci Livingston, a 28-year-old programmer recently made home-made muffins for a small get-together she was having, claiming her cat Pumpkin, 2, helped bake them despite the fact that she just sat there looking like a dumbass…

Me-Wow! When four-year-old cat Miles noticed his owner’s pallid skin and increasingly sluggish behaviour, he immediately clocked the Stage I carcinoma slowly growing in owner Sophia Reinhart’s left shoulder but isn’t about to be the one to…

An unusually honest ad for a chihuahua described as “a chucky doll in a dog’s bod” managed to find someone willing to adopt the pet. My neighbor just put out a similarly honest ad for two cats she is fostering that had me laughing each…