cattle

WICHITA, KS—Addressing the need to incorporate more humane practices at its facilities, Cargill Meat Solutions announced Thursday that it had hired assassins to quietly slaughter cows in their sleep. “In order to reduce the suffering of…

WASHINGTON—Announcing that the overly restrictive rules would be rolled back once and for all, the Food and Drug Administration announced Thursday that any white liquid could now be called “milk.” “Starting today, any opaque liquid that is…

VICTORIA, KS—Expressing concerns about her role in negatively impacting the planet, a local cow on her way to be slaughtered Friday was reportedly fretting about her personal contributions to climate change. “When I consider all the…