Celebs

ATLANTA, GA. — While speaking at a public symposium on behalf of The Association of Donut Lovers, Georgia Governor Stacey Abrams claimed obesity was just numbers manufactured by her bathroom scale."In the same way the patriarchy invented…

NEW YORK CITY — Newly demoted CNN employee Don Lemon says his new role as CNN's Third Shift Janitor should not be viewed as a demotion because he "gets a really cool key that gives him special access to every room in the building.""I am…

BEVERLY HILLS, CA — According to sources, Hollywood actress Jennifer Lawrence is now meeting with a therapist 5 times per week to help her deal with the trauma of having conservative relatives and dreaming about Fox News hosts.…

GASPARILLA ISLAND, FL — Fox News personality and host of Tucker Carlson Tonight was informed by his doctor today that his look of befuddlement is permanent. Sources close to Mr. Carlson have confirmed that he had not heeded his mother's…

WASHINGTON, D.C — Rumors are swirling after multiple sightings of the recently retired Chief Medical Advisor to the President, Dr. Fauci, in the back of dark allies. Witnesses claim that Dr. Fauci has been spotted wearing a trenchcoat and…

NEWARK, NJ — Critically acclaimed, larger-than-life star Lizzo, recently accepted her music video award at MTV's VMAs. While doing so, the artist took the time to speak out about the systemic oppression of having to walk all the way down to…

AUSTIN, TX — "Whoa, bro. Whoa," said Joe Rogan as he interviewed Mark Zuckerberg earlier this week. "Did... did you just, like, blink your eyes sideways?"The electric moment of the interview came after Rogan had done his third hit of DMT,…

Dr. Fauci is throwing in the towel on public health like an absolute quitter. But don't count on the good doctor to fade into obscurity. He's just getting started on his second act.Check out these ten exciting new career possibilities for…

NEW YORK, NY — After 20 years at CNN, Legal Analyst Jeffrey Toobin has decided to part ways with the news organization to expose himself to new audiences."CNN has been good to me, but after 20 years, it's time for me to beat it," said…

LOS ANGELES, CA — Singer-songwriter Demi Lovato declared herself nonbinary and adopted the use of "they/them" pronouns last year, and has made waves again this week by adopting the "she/her" pronouns that she originally had. According to…