Celebs

ATLANTA, GA — In an effort to better serve his loyal audience, comedian-producer-writer-actor-entertainer-singer-songwriter-supermarket customer-congressional lobbyist-world conqueror Tyler Perry has announced the launching of his own…

AUSTIN, TX — Tesla, Inc. added a van to its lineup of popular electric vehicles Monday with the unveiling of the new Model H. The full-size van, also known as The Homeschooler, is capable of fitting all nine of Elon Musk's children inside…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Biden awarded the Medal of Freedom to Megan Rapinoe today, but was devastated to learn that her pink hair doesn't actually smell like strawberries."I gave one of those medal things to that nice young man Merv…

NEW YORK, NY — Just days after being sentenced to 30 years in prison, R. Kelly walked free this morning after it came to light that he was actually one of Ghislaine Maxwell's clients, and therefore protected from any consequences of his…

NEW YORK, NY - Ghislaine Maxwell has been sentenced to 20 years in prison, in spite of her many years of faithful service to our nation's leaders. "For decades, Maxwell served the needs of American presidents, British royalty, and US…

LOS ANGELES, CA—Washington Post multimedia tech journalist Taylor Lorenz called out conservatives for bad faith criticism after she stepped on a garden rake, hitting herself in the face. "Bad-faith right-wing actors have sabotaged me…

CHARLOTTE, NC—Colin Kaepernick has made his way back into the NFL as a cheerleader for the Carolina Panthers. He will be the team's first African American Transgender Poly-Bi Cheerleader and will be joining the team on road games. "I'm…

LOS ANGELES—Amber Heard has landed a major endorsement deal with Proctor & Gamble to promote Charmin brand toilet paper products. The Hollywood actress, best known for pooping in Johnny Depp's bed, succeeds Mr. Whipple and the…

NASHVILLE, TN—Only a few minutes after the verdict was read in the Johnny Depp-Amber Heard trial, conservative media company The Daily Wire announced they have uncanceled the now infamous celebrity and signed a contract with her for several…

FAIRFAX, VA—As the blockbuster televised defamation trial between Johnny Depp and Amber Heard winds to a close, entertainment giant Disney has announced that five new sequels will be released over the ensuing years. Disney representatives…