Celebs

WASHINGTON, D.C.—K-Pop music sensation BTS has been invited to the White House to discuss anti-Asian hate and discrimination. When the artists entered the oval office President Biden welcomed them by pulling out his phone and playing ‘Kung…

SACRAMENTO—California Governor Gavin Newsom was spotted Tuesday morning shopping for ivermectin at Sutter's Stallion Emporium in downtown Sacramento, leading to rampant speculation that he's planning to use the horse de-wormer to treat…

NASHVILLE, TN—Jordan Peterson is coming under criticism on social media after he commented "Sorry. Not beautiful." after being shown a picture of the fattest woman of all time: your mom. "Sorry, that's not beautiful at all," said Dr.…

LOS ANGELES, CA—At the suggestion of his agent, his team of attorneys, and his plumber, Johnny Depp had bird spikes installed on his bed to prevent Amber Heard from pooping in it. "I tried a scarecrow but she just started making out with…

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was brutally murdered this week as a result of Elon Musk buying Twitter, says AOC. Twitter accepted Musk's offer to buy Twitter on April 25th, which AOC says makes them an accessory…

MAR-A-LAGO CLUB­­—Former President Donald Trump is hosting a press conference to announce that he has in fact beaten Elden Ring without dying a single time. Trump sat down and explained how he effortlessly completed the latest game by…

LOS ANGELES, CA—In an Oscars first, Dr. Anthony Fauci has won the Oscar for "Best Dramatic Performance," making him the first non-actor to receive such an award. "From the first time we heard him say the word 'droplets,' we hung on…

The Babylon Bee has selected Rachel Levine as its first annual Man of the Year. Levine is the U.S. assistant secretary for health for the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, where he serves proudly as the first man in…

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Norwegian Nobel Committee announced that they will be awarding former President Obama the Nobel Prize in medicine for bravely contracting the deadly virus known as COVID-19. "Many people around the world have contracted…

LOS ANGELES—Former Star Trek actor and prominent "gaysian" George Takei was informed by his valet's poolboy's Uber driver that gas prices are up. After it was explained to him what gas was, Takei reportedly took to Twitter to calm the…