Celebs

LOS ANGELES, CA — According to inside sources, comedian Jimmy Kimmel is currently running tonight's Jimmy Kimmel Live! jokes by CCP President Xi for approval, as is his daily custom. "We have a tremendous round of hilarious jokes for you, O…

GEORGIA — After hearing that a black bear did epic amounts of cocaine somewhere in the forests of Georgia, Hunter Biden quickly gathered his camping gear and started driving south."So you're telling me there's a bear in the forest with free…

ATLANTA, GA — According to CNN's Department of Diversity, Equity, & Inclusion, news anchor and prolific storyteller Don Lemon has been required to participate in sensitivity training until he can learn to quit referring to his coworkers…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources, Vice President Kamala Harris became distraught this weekend after discovering that the president admitted to hospice was only Jimmy Carter. Harris, who has been waiting patiently for Joe Biden to…

NEW YORK, NY — CNN anchor Don Lemon is reportedly watching Matt Walsh's What Is A Woman? documentary in an effort to better understand his female co-hosts and stop saying stupid things.Lemon sparked controversy earlier this week with…

WASHINGTON, DC — After seeing his dazzlingly satanic performance at the Grammys, the Biden Administration has invited gay nonbinary singer Sam Smith to perform at the State of the Union. "There's no one more in tune with the priorities of…

GREAT FALLS, MT — This week, a Chinese spy balloon flew over Montana, sparking questions and panic among foreign relations staffers and civilians alike. Most Congresspeople have engaged in saber-rattling, but reports have emerged of Rep.…

DAGOBAH — Jedi Master Yoda, living in self-imposed exile, proudly announced to his first visitor in decades that his pronouns are Him/He.According to Imperial intelligence reports, Yoda pretended to be a random weirdo while he observed…

SANTA BARBARA, CA — Meghan Markle, beloved American princess and thespian, announced Friday that her husband Prince Harry would soon begin a lengthy and painful transition into Princess Harriet, a decision he made of his own free will…

MONTECITO, CA — The unprecedented rain and flooding in California has forced celebrities to emerge from their mansions and force more selfie videos upon the unwary peasantry. One particular celebrity who travels on private jets and collects…