centrism in the united states

WASHINGTON—Ignoring his better judgment so as not to be called a chicken, President Joe Biden reportedly fell through a sheet of ice and plunged into dangerously cold water Monday after his buddies dared him to walk on the frozen Capitol…

The report by special counsel Robert Hur that describes Joe Biden as an “elderly man with a poor memory” has renewed debate about the president’s capacity to carry out a second term. But how bad is his memory compared to that of the average…

WASHINGTON—A new poll released Wednesday by the Pew Research Center offered a rare glimpse into the psychology of those who will decide the 2024 presidential election, finding that for the average voter, it couldn’t hurt if they woke up to…

WASHINGTON—Stating that it was as easy to prepare 330 million helpings as one, President Joe Biden announced Thursday that he was reheating chili if anyone was interested. “I’m going to pop some chili into the microwave in a minute or so if…

In a world where the right endorsement can make or break a presidential candidate, there is one opinion that matters most of all: that of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. The Onion asked Americans who they believed Jesus would vote for,…

“He needs to start putting what he tries on back onto the hangers. He brings an armful of, like, 30 crop tops over to try on, and it’s, like, first of all, we have a 15-item limit and you know that, but then he leaves them strewn all over…

WASHINGTON—Using his platform to plead for Americans to lend him a hand, President Joe Biden addressed the nation Monday while hanging from a branch on the side of a cliff. “Our democracy has never before hung in the balance more than it…

WASHINGTON—After first jamming a rake into the narrow, unfinished shaft in an attempt to dislodge the incumbent head of state, Secret Service agents spent an entire morning attempting to lure President Joe Biden out of a White House crawl…

LOS ANGELES—Following an indictment on nine federal tax-related charges, Hunter Biden reportedly prepared for court Friday by drawing a tie on his bare chest. “I’ll have to look presentable if I want the judge to take me seriously,” said…

WASHINGTON—Shining their flashlights to reveal the pajama-clad president with a wild look in his eye, the Secret Service reportedly found Joe Biden on the White House lawn Thursday attempting to dig his own grave. “It’s nearly four o’clock…