children

GREEN BAY, WI—In a comprehensive and thorough effort to ensure that nothing bad had happened, the aliveness of infant Liam Graham was reportedly quintuple-checked Tuesday before texting the new parents congratulations. “I was about to pop…

Serving as a parent volunteer is a great way to bolster your child’s education as well as give back. The Onion shares tips for getting involved at your child’s school. Donate unwanted frogs and other dissectable specimens. Establish open…

Recently, for the first time in my standardized test-taking career, I deliberately chose the wrong answer. I was taking the American Board of Pediatrics exam that all U.S. pediatricians must pass every few years to maintain our…

SEATTLE—Voicing concern about the adult’s aberrant behavior, sources confirmed Monday that it was almost weirder that Richard Shea, a grown man on Roblox, wasn’t using the online gaming platform to groom children. “If he was on here trying…

CLEVELAND—Interrupting the man mere seconds after he removed a Japanese clouded salamander from its cage, local 6-year-old Matthew Cronin ruthlessly heckled a reptile handler at a birthday party for showing an amphibian, sources reported…

NORTH HEMPSTEAD, NY—Expressing relief after witnessing her become more confident and outgoing, sources confirmed Tuesday that a new preschool was really doing wonders for local mother Ellen Cline’s social skills. “Ever since preschool…

The United States has the world’s highest rate of kids being raised in single-parent homes. This is alarming, considering the benefits children gain when being raised by their married parents, including greater academic…

A host of valid reasons have been cited for why the United States should exit the United Nations, including the erosion of U.S. sovereignty, climate activism that imperils the global economy, the spending of billions of dollars on non-U.S.…

The Department of Justice is still pursuing charges against a Texas doctor who exposed transgender operations on kids. He told The Federalist he could face jail time in just days and pled with President Donald​ Trump to stop the lawfare.…

As the saying goes these days, nature is healing. Aside from the waning of woke culture and the renewed hope Americans have in the future, state leaders are finally restoring parental rights in public education, most notably in Ohio.…