chuckschumer

“It’ll be fine. Of course it’ll be fine. Why wouldn’t it be fine? I would let you hold me right now to make me feel safe. I don’t need you to hold me, but you could if you really wanted to. Maybe run your fingers through my hair like mommy…

WASHINGTON—Looking for a fun diversion on a boring Wednesday afternoon, a group of high-powered D.C. lobbyists reportedly paid a couple senators five bucks to fight each other. “Here it is, a crisp fiver to the winner—now fight, you fucking…

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that they could no longer stand by and watch the GOP’s annoyingly public-facing attacks, Democrats demanded Wednesday that Republicans begin pushing their anti-trans agenda more quietly. “We the Democratic Party,…

WASHINGTON—Unveiling a potential bill aimed at combating what members described as a grave risk to public safety, Congress announced Tuesday that it was considering a ban on TikTok after the app made every senator bulimic. “We cannot in…

While term limits may be popular among young legislators, many older career politicians have bristled at the idea. The Onion asked politicians why they oppose caps on government leadership, and this is what they said.AdvertisementSenator…