contents

PALM BEACH, FL—Responding to the news that the Manhattan District Attorney had indicted him over payments to adult film actress Stormy Daniels, former President Donald Trump denounced the move Friday, telling reporters, “All arrests are…

North Korea said it has tested a nuclear-capable underwater attack drone designed to launch a “radioactive tsunami,” with leader Kim Jong-un vowing to make his rivals “plunge into despair.” What do you think?“Imagine stooping so low as to…

CHICAGO—In a rousing success story that has eliminated all criminal activity from the streets of the metropolis, Chicago was finally declared safe Thursday after every single resident was hired as a police officer. “As part of our…

The European Space Agency proposed a new time zone for the Moon, saying there is a need to establish some synchronicity in how we tell time on the Moon as many countries race to explore it. What do you think?“Good, I’ll need to know what…

In the wake of Republicans across the country passing legislation to ban the performances, The Onion asked conservatives why they oppose drag shows and this is what they said.Advertisement2 / 24Frank Jones, PastorList slidesFrank Jones,…

WASHINGTON—Bowing down before the floating intruder mere hours after it entered American airspace, the entire U.S. nation reportedly surrendered Friday to the Chinese balloon spotted hovering over Montana. “Today, I speak to the Great…

WASHINGTON—In an effort to encourage those who were in possession of sensitive items to bring them back as soon as possible, White House officials announced Friday that a new drop box outside the National Archives would allow former…

BUCHAREST—Facing multiple charges of human trafficking and rape in a Romanian court, internet influencer Andrew Tate published a video Monday informing his followers that he had assembled a defense team of dozens of lawyers trafficked from…