cuisine

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CAMDEN, NJ—The entire executive team of the Campbell Soup Company held a press conference Wednesday morning to announce that soup will set you free. “Campbell’s soup will cut the shackles! Campbell’s soup will make you whole!” CEO Mark…

BALTIMORE—Providing further insight into modern eating habits, a study published Monday by researchers at Johns Hopkins University found that a majority of Americans no longer bother to unwrap their hamburgers before eating them. “The…

A California man has been arrested for allegedly stealing 21 tons of pistachio nuts valued at over $100,000 from an agricultural company, with authorities eventually finding the nuts hidden inside a nearby trailer and already packaged for…

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Holding the icy brown mass aloft in a vain attempt to inspect it, local man Ralph Freeman confirmed Thursday that he found an unidentifiable beige food item that he froze, like,six months ago. “I think it might be some…

BEVERLY, MA—Explaining that minor inconveniences weren’t worth fretting over, laid-back local man Tom Glickstein told reporters Monday that he felt ready and able to take whatever the sandwich he was currently eating threw his way. “I…

CHICAGO—Reflecting on the once-bustling neighborhood that had been significantly reduced over the years, local residents confirmed Thursday that all that now remained of the city’s Little Italy was a single meatball. “Back when I was…

LAKEWOOD, OH—Following a custom born out of cooperation and respect, local drivers reportedly pulled over to the side of the road Fridayto let a pizza delivery guy through. “Gee, I hope it’s nothing serious like a big, hungry party,” said…

Hear why PETA is coming to the defense of these over-bread monstrosities that exist for the sole purpose of having fresh tomato paste extracted from their many teat-like protuberances.You can find The Topical on Apple…