dating

TORONTO—Admitting that he had butterflies in anticipation, local man Greg Fitzsimmons reported feeling nervous Friday before introducing his date to his hives for the first time. “They can get irritated pretty easily, so I really hope…

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GARLAND, TX—Rambling on about how she had always harbored “feelings, um, you know, like, the romantic kind” for him, area woman Kayla Sullivan was reportedly losing steam while professing her love to her crush Tuesday because she thought he…

When Ben Mezzenga approached the altar, he was ready to marry Sara Carton — and overlook their deep political differences. But she had other things in mind.“I asked him about, like, Black Lives Matter. … he was like, ‘I guess I’ve never…

FORT WAYNE, IN—Boasting that she could already tell the two would produce beautiful babies, local senile grandma Deborah Hansen tried to set her grandkids up with each other, alarmed sources confirmed Monday. “You know, my lovely…

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Growing increasingly anxious as yet another minute passed without the 56-year-old consultant’s return, Jennifer Lopez reportedly expressed concerns Thursday that her Bumble date was not coming back from the bathroom at the…

EDMONTON – Local woman Melissa Orlon has reported that she is “over the moon” and “soooo blown away” by the depth of familiarity, passion and expertise her date of last night had for the online betting platform DraftKings. “At first, I…

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Last month, conservative news host Jesse Kelly told Megyn Kelly on her podcast that “the mentally ill single woman is the beating heart of the Democrat Party.” He proclaimed over 70 percent of single women vote Democrat. Furthermore, he…

KINGSTON, RI—In a new study of dating trends published Tuesday, researchers at the University of Rhode Island reported that many millennial women were beginning to forgo apps such as Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge in favor of standing on a misty…