dating

LOS ALAMOS, NM—The four words presaging even grimmer dialogue to come, the phrase “you on the apps?” reportedly heralded the beginning of the world’s bleakest conversation, sources reported Tuesday. Several reports indicated that the…

TORONTO—Admitting that he had butterflies in anticipation, local man Greg Fitzsimmons reported feeling nervous Friday before introducing his date to his hives for the first time. “They can get irritated pretty easily, so I really hope…

If you’d told me a few years ago I’d meet my future wife through a Lutheran matchmaking service — yes, a real one, with actual forms and real humans, not bots — I’d have smiled politely and changed the subject. Maybe quoted You’ve Got Mail,…

Ex Run Into While Stalking Other Ex - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: March 31, 2025 More News in Photos Explore Tags Read More…

GARLAND, TX—Rambling on about how she had always harbored “feelings, um, you know, like, the romantic kind” for him, area woman Kayla Sullivan was reportedly losing steam while professing her love to her crush Tuesday because she thought he…

When Ben Mezzenga approached the altar, he was ready to marry Sara Carton — and overlook their deep political differences. But she had other things in mind.“I asked him about, like, Black Lives Matter. … he was like, ‘I guess I’ve never…

FORT WAYNE, IN—Boasting that she could already tell the two would produce beautiful babies, local senile grandma Deborah Hansen tried to set her grandkids up with each other, alarmed sources confirmed Monday. “You know, my lovely…

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Growing increasingly anxious as yet another minute passed without the 56-year-old consultant’s return, Jennifer Lopez reportedly expressed concerns Thursday that her Bumble date was not coming back from the bathroom at the…

EDMONTON – Local woman Melissa Orlon has reported that she is “over the moon” and “soooo blown away” by the depth of familiarity, passion and expertise her date of last night had for the online betting platform DraftKings. “At first, I…

HomeLatestNewsLocalPoliticsEntertainmentSportsOpinionHomeLatestNewsLocalPoliticsEntertainmentSportsOpinionHomeLatestNewsLocalPoliticsEntertainmentSportsOpinionAboutThe Onion StoreAdvertisingPrivacyJobsTerms of…