Dogs

KEARNEY, NE—In an effort to put the man’s behavior into context by describing it as part of an intergenerational cycle of violence, a psychologist stated Friday that local 38-year-old Todd Adelwright mostly likely abused his dog because he…

New York has become the latest state to ban the sale of cats, dogs, and rabbits in pet stores, passing a law that will take effect in 2024 and target commercial breeding operations decried by critics as “puppy mills.” What do you…

Kingston, ON – A senior researcher at Queen’s University claimed this week that otters don’t exist and are actually just wet dogs. “It all came to me at the cottage,” said zoologist Dick Jones. “I was showing my wife pictures of sea otter…

VANCOUVER – Researchers at the University of British Columbia Faculty of Science report that the only thing that loves you without question feels the same way about tonguing its tuchus. The experiment, dubbed Project Rosebud, started by…

LONDON, UK – Following the death of Queen Elizabeth II, the world’s corgi population is scrambling to find a new trademark to stay relevant in the global dog scene. “We’ve been trying out a few things, but nothing is really sticking,” said…

NAPANEE – A recent trip to the vet has drained hundreds of absolute units from your bank account after it was confirmed your furbaby was in perfect health. The vet was heckin’ thrilled to report they found nothing wrong despite a bill…

TORONTO – Local Cabbagetown resident Francine Dumont walks her 100 lbs Bullmastiff off leash because she’s really fucking cool. “Don’t worry, Max is super friendly!” called Dumont after a young mom with her toddler moved to the other side…

CALGARY – Traffic reports from the Morley household indicate that a massive three dog pileup is delaying multiple household commutes. “There’s fur everywhere, and you can still hear barking,” one reporter said. “Frankly, it’s going to take…

VICTORIA, BC – Dogs across the nation report that they know you’re having a rough time lately and they’re ready to give you whatever the heck you need, okay? “Normally, my owner wakes me up with words like ‘walk’ and ‘breakfast’,” said…

Brantford, ON – This morning adorable toddler Liam O’Reilly, 3, declared that Daylight Saving Time was a fucking joke and he would arise at his normal hour, even if that was technically now in the middle of the night. “Daylight Saving Time…