Doug Ford

TORONTO — As Ontario enters its third official lockdown of the pandemic, many are calling the new lockdown measures confusing, ineffectual, and almost no different than what they were before. Premier Doug Ford called a press conference…

Springfield, MA — It was all hands on deck at dictionary-maker Merriam Webster’s head office as employees worked to create a new definition of “shutdown” following Ontario Premier Doug Ford’s announcement this afternoon. “Because of the…

TORONTO – With Ontario in the midst of a third wave of the COVID Pandemic, Ontario Premier and former hash dealer Doug Ford has proven to be absolutely terrible at getting residents the pharmaceutical drugs known as vaccines that they…

TORONTO – Under pressure for keeping thousands of doses of vaccines in storage rather than administer them, Premier Ford reassured Ontarians this morning that these vaccines will be sold to the highest bidder as soon as possible. “It may…

OTTAWA – The Supreme Court of Canada held that Justin Trudeau’s imposition of the carbon tax was constitutional as a result of the little known ‘if we don’t do something we’re gonna be real fucking dead real fucking soon’ legal principle.…

TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford is unwillingly to administer all the vaccines the federal government has acquired and supplied to Ontario because he has named each one and grown attached. “My friends, these are my friends,” began…

TORONTO – After Tory MPP and Parliamentary Secretary Sam Oosterhoff gave a speech to a controversial anti-abortion group that recently compared a woman’s right to choose to the Holocaust, Doug Ford has assured Ontarians that he remains…

TORONTO – The Ontario government is racing to fix a huge oversight with COVID-19 vaccines after realizing they also need to actually administer them to people. “I just don’t know how someone, probably me, could have overlooked this,” said…

TORONTO – The Office of the Auditor General of Ontario has unveiled a new line of digital tracking devices that vibrate every time Doug Ford posits a very stupid idea. The Auditor General says the new bracelets will alert Ontarians whenever…

TORONTO – With the remaining Ontario schools finally open again, Premier Doug Ford is determined to ensure a safe return to the classroom – by setting up a snitch line for heathen parents who taught their kids sex ed during lockdown. “In…