election 2024

WASHINGTON—Sinking deep into the blissful delusion that they were the “Chairman of the Board,” residents of the mentally broken nation reportedly began dressing and speaking like Frank Sinatra on Wednesday. In what appeared to be an…

PALM BEACH, FL—In a five-minute phone call that both campaigns described as largely cordial, President-elect Donald Trump reportedly called Vice President Kamala Harris Wednesday morning to congratulate himself on winning. “Madame Vice…

WASHINGTON—Crossing their arms and tapping their feet impatiently, election officials across the nation announced Tuesday night that they wouldn’t release the results of the 2024 presidential race until you had brushed your teeth and put on…

WASHINGTON—Squirming and saying “no, no, no” while aides attempted to calm him down, second gentleman of the United States Doug Emhoff was forced to sit in a corner at his wife’s election night watch party after getting too hyper, sources…

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Wanting to ensure her supporters had ample space to celebrate the big win together, a confident Jill Stein told reporters Tuesday that she had selected Gillette Stadium for her election night watch party. “I think 65,000…

PALM SPRINGS, FL—Nervously tossing his turned-off phone out of arm’s reach, an anxious Donald Trump told reporters Tuesday that he was spending election night watching old Gilmore Girls episodes in bed. “I can’t deal with all this election…

CNN Touchscreen Map Already Covered In Peanut Butter - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: November 5, 2024 More News in Photos Explore Tags…

Voting in the 2024 presidential election is underway, with candidates Kamala Harris and Donald Trump promising vastly different visions for the country if elected. What do you think? “I’m technically still waiting in line to vote in…

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Expressing concern about his inability to control his own body, local Neuralink brain-implant patient Emmett Shultz told reporters Tuesday that he was unable to stop his right hand from casting a vote for former President…

WASHINGTON—With Americans experiencing long lines in many precincts across the country, an Election Day report has confirmed that high turnout this year can be primarily attributed to large numbers of people mistakenly voting on vending…