election

PALM SPRINGS, FL—Nervously tossing his turned-off phone out of arm’s reach, an anxious Donald Trump told reporters Tuesday that he was spending election night watching old Gilmore Girls episodes in bed. “I can’t deal with all this election…

CNN Touchscreen Map Already Covered In Peanut Butter - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: November 5, 2024 More News in Photos Explore Tags…

Voting in the 2024 presidential election is underway, with candidates Kamala Harris and Donald Trump promising vastly different visions for the country if elected. What do you think? “I’m technically still waiting in line to vote in…

RALEIGH – Hundreds of millions of onlookers worldwide have turned their eyes to North Carolina, where international journalists have been embedded for weeks to report on every twist and turn of the state’s agriculture commissioner election.…

OTTAWA – With Americans voting today to determine the next President of the United States, every single Canadian has announced plans to keep their lights shut off in hopes that they will not get drawn into any mess that inevitably ensues.…

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Expressing concern about his inability to control his own body, local Neuralink brain-implant patient Emmett Shultz told reporters Tuesday that he was unable to stop his right hand from casting a vote for former President…

WASHINGTON—With cortisol levels spiking to all-time highs, the stressed-out U.S. populace reportedly asked former President Barack Obama on Tuesday if it could bum 340 million cigarettes. “Hey, man, if we could have one, or maybe 340…

WASHINGTON—With Americans experiencing long lines in many precincts across the country, an Election Day report has confirmed that high turnout this year can be primarily attributed to large numbers of people mistakenly voting on vending…

CEDARBURG, WI—Touting the importance of doing his own research, local uninformed citizen Steven Powers was reportedly seen in line at his polling place Tuesday scrambling to learn everything he could about the last 2,500 years of democracy…

HARRISBURG, PA—Pursing his lips while he examined the “I Vorted” sticker displayed on his jacket, local man Doug Matney was beginning to worry Tuesday that the place where he had cast his ballot wasn’t a legitimate polling site. “I was…