election

RALEIGH – Hundreds of millions of onlookers worldwide have turned their eyes to North Carolina, where international journalists have been embedded for weeks to report on every twist and turn of the state’s agriculture commissioner election.…

OTTAWA – With Americans voting today to determine the next President of the United States, every single Canadian has announced plans to keep their lights shut off in hopes that they will not get drawn into any mess that inevitably ensues.…

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Expressing concern about his inability to control his own body, local Neuralink brain-implant patient Emmett Shultz told reporters Tuesday that he was unable to stop his right hand from casting a vote for former President…

WASHINGTON—With Americans experiencing long lines in many precincts across the country, an Election Day report has confirmed that high turnout this year can be primarily attributed to large numbers of people mistakenly voting on vending…

CEDARBURG, WI—Touting the importance of doing his own research, local uninformed citizen Steven Powers was reportedly seen in line at his polling place Tuesday scrambling to learn everything he could about the last 2,500 years of democracy…

HARRISBURG, PA—Pursing his lips while he examined the “I Vorted” sticker displayed on his jacket, local man Doug Matney was beginning to worry Tuesday that the place where he had cast his ballot wasn’t a legitimate polling site. “I was…

WASHINGTON—With cortisol levels spiking to all-time highs, the stressed-out U.S. populace reportedly asked former President Barack Obama on Tuesday if it could bum 340 million cigarettes. “Hey, man, if we could have one, or maybe 340…

PALM BEACH, FL—Clutching their stomachs and wincing with pain after gorging themselves on tens of thousands of votes, the morbidly obese Trump boys told reporters Monday that they now regretted eating so many ballots. “Oh, my tummy hurts…

American voters are approaching the 2024 presidential election with deep unease about what could follow, including the potential for political violence, attempts to overturn the election results, and its broader implications for democracy.…

ATLANTA—Holding their hands up to their mouths and giggling as their eyes darted from side to side, the nation’s impish swing voters announced Monday that they had a little surprise in store for everyone. “Tee-hee-hee! You’d like to know…