election

WASHINGTON—With cortisol levels spiking to all-time highs, the stressed-out U.S. populace reportedly asked former President Barack Obama on Tuesday if it could bum 340 million cigarettes. “Hey, man, if we could have one, or maybe 340…

PALM BEACH, FL—Clutching their stomachs and wincing with pain after gorging themselves on tens of thousands of votes, the morbidly obese Trump boys told reporters Monday that they now regretted eating so many ballots. “Oh, my tummy hurts…

American voters are approaching the 2024 presidential election with deep unease about what could follow, including the potential for political violence, attempts to overturn the election results, and its broader implications for democracy.…

ATLANTA—Holding their hands up to their mouths and giggling as their eyes darted from side to side, the nation’s impish swing voters announced Monday that they had a little surprise in store for everyone. “Tee-hee-hee! You’d like to know…

ATLANTA—As part of a public campaign to prevent the state’s residents from being turned away at the polls, Georgia officials reminded voters Thursday that they would need to bring two forms of weapon to their voting place in order to…

Poll Watcher Slaps ‘I Voted Sticker’ On Bump Stock - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: November 4, 2024 More News in Photos Explore Tags…

Polling Place Boosts Attendance With ’80s Night - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: November 4, 2024 More News in Photos Explore Tags…

The Biden-Harris administration has been anything but cooperative in helping state election officials track noncitizens on voter rolls. Perhaps that has something to do with the real Big Lie that the federal “honor system” stops foreign…

Former President Donald Trump said at his rally in Green Bay, WI that he would “protect” women “whether the women like it or not,” remarks that that risk losing him more support from female voters in the final stretch of his campaign. What…

As designated by Congress in 1845, election day falls on the first Tuesday following the first Monday of November every year. The Onion examines the pros and cons of making election day a federal holiday. PRO: Won’t have to waste PTO…