emetics

CHICAGO—Scanning the public transit vehicle for even one superficially healthy passenger, local man Will Ossers reportedly searched a crowded bus Friday for the least-wounded person to sit next to. “Hmm, would I rather sit next to someone…

KNOXVILLE, TN—Using his vomit to carefully connect the dots, local hungover man Dennis Moen reportedly pieced together his previous night on Thursday by what he was throwing up. “Okay, so I must have stopped at a hot dog stand at some…

DOTHAN, AL—Offering accolades for the homemade puke it grew up eating, a local barn swallow told reporters Friday that its mother made the best vomit in the world. “I know everyone says this, but no one can regurgitate like my mom does,”…