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ONTARIO, CA—Muttering “Shit, where is it, shit” while frustratedly pulling out miscellaneous objects, local woman Alice Wallen asked the person attacking her Thursday for 30 more seconds so she could dig the pepper spray out of her bag.…

DALLAS—Neither bold nor committed enough to enact true environmental change, local chickenshit Anthony Stanback decided Tuesday that instead of blowing up an oil refinery, he would try to eat more locally sourced food. “I guess it wouldn’t…

SKOPJE, NORTH MACEDONIA—Panicking while growing increasingly aware that there was no escape, a local kidney reportedly freaked out Thursday after waking up in a cooler full of ice with the rest of its man missing. “Oh fuck, oh fuck! Oh…