environment

A LARGE CITY WE DIDN’T BOTHER TO LOOK UP ― World leaders are once again convening to draw up a set of ambitious promises they definitely won’t fulfill, toothless goals which wouldn’t do much anyway, or, most likely of all, a pointless…

It’s never been a better time to pick up some sturdy essentials that will keep you cute and cozy through a period of severe and prolonged global cooling brought on by a nuclear catastrophe! 1. A nice parkaSure, a shiny new hazmat suit might…

VANCOUVER – In a rare interview, a sea bird floating off the pacific coast of British Columbia has confirmed that, although it is currently struggling to breathe around plastic straw wedged in its throat, it still firmly believes that paper…

WASHINGTON, DC- The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency announced its new strategy to conserve natural spaces; distributing firearms to all native plant and animal species to allow them to protect themselves and their habitats. “For years,…

CALGARY – According to reports from the Whittaker household, a spoon has been found on a bedroom nightstand despite the utensil’s natural kitchen habitat being well over a dozen steps away. “While a single spoon may appear harmless, and…

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MILKY WAY – In a rare interview, God made a statement about how excited they were about the pockets in their universe. They then did a cute little twirl to show off said pockets, sending a few planets off their orbit in the process. “Aren’t…

CALEDON, ON – Public reaction to this week’s provincial election results has been mixed, save for one local man who is thrilled to watch the slow decimation of Ontario’s wetlands. “I couldn’t be happier to see the province’s stinky weird…

TORONTO, ON – After a long winter, local man Jonathan Pearce was looking forward to welcoming the spring weather yesterday with a celebratory bike ride on the Waterfront Trail. His excitement for the season was however immediately crushed…

OTTAWA – Today during a press conference discussing Canada’s commitments to reduce carbon emissions, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau expressed confusion over why more Canadians currently struggling to pay for rent, food, and other basic…