euphoriants

A study based on the National Survey on Drug Use and Health found that more people in the United States use marijuana daily than alcohol, with 17.7 million people reporting using pot daily or nearly every day. What do you think? “With…

MISSOULA, MT—Bringing significant attention to the fact that the person who gave birth to you has carnal needs and desires just like anyone else, a report released inside your head Tuesday confirmed that your mother is a sexual creature.…

CLEVELAND—Attempting to draw in passersby with that rarest leaf from faraway lands, a new dispensary opened in the area Thursday, promising customers a tantalizing taste of the forbidden fruit that is marijuana. “O, could it be? A merchant…

SILVER SPRING, MD—Amid a shortage caused by rising demand, manufacturing issues, and federal limits on production, the Food and Drug Administration confirmed Friday that the inadequate supply of ADHD drugs was forcing more parents to beat…

U.S. Customs found over 3,000 pounds of methamphetamine and over 500 pounds of cocaine smuggled in barrels of jalapeño paste in San Diego, with the narcotics estimated to be worth $10 million. What do you think?“Be careful not to touch your…

“Right now it’s illegal for me to take clippings from the protected Mexican wildlife, but if I enlisted, passed boot camp in record time, was immediately deployed to the front lines, somehow survived, and went AWOL, I could probably sneak a…

DAYTON, OH—In an effort to provide those suffering from substance-use disorder with the resources they need most, a drug clinic that opened its doors Tuesday in downtown Dayton confirmed it now provides drug users with free scolding. “This…

Customs officials intercepted a pickup truck transporting four large wheels of cheese from Mexico that were hiding 17.8 pounds of cocaine. What do you think?“Yeah, I haven’t found a way to inconspicuously carry around four large cheese…

NEW YORK—Confirming decades of speculation about the Hollywood icon’s behavior, a report released Thursday found that Tom Cruise’s orgasms look and sound exactly how you’d imagine them. “Our findings confirm that if you think—as many of us…

The Secret Service confirmed that testing showed an unidentified white substance found in the White House during a routine search is cocaine, with the investigation into how it got there still ongoing. What do you think?“The fair thing to…