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Biden Announces 2024 Reelection Bid

President Biden officially announced his bid for reelection Tuesday morning, saying in a solemn launch video that he wants to “finish the job” he started when the country was racked by a deadly pandemic, a reeling economy and a teetering…

George Santos Signs With IMG Models

NEW YORK—Welcoming the 34-year-old freshman lawmaker into the fold, international modeling agency IMG Models confirmed Monday that it had signed Rep. George Santos (R-NY). “He’s fresh, he’s fun, and he exudes a rare kind of playful…

Tom Brady Fans React To His Retirement

After 23 years in the NFL, including a brief 40-day retirement followed by a final season with the Buccaneers, Tom Brady has finally decided to retire again. The Onion asked his fans to describe how they felt, and this is what they…

Tom Brady Retires Again

Seven-time Super Bowl champion Tom Brady has announced his second retirement from the NFL a year after announcing it the first time and after a regular season in which his Buccaneers finished with an 8-9 record. What do you think?“Years…

Celebrity Thinking About Getting Pilot’s License

LOS ANGELES—Saying it seemed like something he was supposed to do given his level of income and public renown, local celebrity Chris Hemsworth was reportedly thinking Friday about getting his pilot’s license. “I was just wondering what I…

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