Family

WICHITA, KS—Researchers have confirmed that a dad's bodily functions will become exactly thirty decibels noisier with each passing year, ad infinitum. The effect appears to be universal, impacting every noise from sneezing to…

BOISE, ID— According to sources, local family man Donald Playfield decided to start packing his things just 12 minutes before leaving on a two-week vacation to Yucatán, Mexico. "I'm going to see Mayan ruins!" he said cheerfully as he…

MORRISTOWN, TN—As an expression of love, devotion, and infinite gratitude, local husband Jerbis Dorvney waited until after midnight on Mother's Day to ask his wife to change their kid's stinky diaper. "My wife has done so much for me and…

DAYTON, OH—With Mother’s Day fast approaching, Sarah Smith is feeling the pressure to select just the right Mother’s Day present for herself that expresses all the love and thankfulness her husband and their precious children feel…

AMARILLO, TX—A local woman stunned critics Friday by successfully executing a record-breaking 37-point turn in front of Lawndale Elementary School on Bivins St. The driver, identified as Cheryl Alessa, only held up traffic for 12 minutes as…

VALENCIA, U.S.—During a recent bedtime routine, local father Nick Samuels started to suspect his 3-year-old daughter Lulu was stalling in an attempt to stay up past her bedtime when the evening’s prayer time entered its second overtime.…

MEMPHIS, TN—According to sources, local woman Laura Berretta is now burning with an overwhelming urge to be ravished by her husband as he was finally crowned Elden Lord, ruler of The Lands Between. Once she saw her husband defeat…

VANCOUVER — Across the city Spring has begun unfolding in all the predictable ways; flowers blooming, jackets shrinking, and The Sun, that deadbeat asshole, sneaking back into our lives expecting all is forgiven. The Sun’s long history of…

SAN FRANCISCO—According to sources, a year-old baby named Ukraine has become frustrated by the constant lamentations of his leftist parents, Gilbert and Olivia Gully, who—according to him—are way too sensitive. "They cry over…

ELKO, NV—Experiencing a moment of incredible grace and patience, local husband Clarence McTwombly sat his wife down and gently showed her how it was actually possible to close the 8,537 unused browser tabs on her mobile phone. “See honey,…