Family

Wright Brothers’ Flying Machine Hailed As Breakthrough In Getting Small Children To Eat KITTY HAWK, NC—Brothers Orville and Wilbur Wright completed the first successful flights of their flying machine Thursday, flying it over a hundred feet…

Father’s day is coming up, and you know what that means: it’s time to buy a modestly priced gift for the enigmatic man who raised you from birth without sharing a single personal detail about himself. So what do you get the man who may or…

ANN ARBOR, MI—Having determined through empirical research that childrearing is bullshit and totally not worth it, a study published Friday by sociologists at the University of Michigan found that a growing number of American women are…

MENIFEE, CA—When his wife and kids asked him if they could get a cat last year, local father Miles Pan insisted he would not have anything to do with the purchase, feeding, or care of the animal. "Look, if you guys want to get a cat, that's…

WADSWORTH, OH—Local couple Cole and Brittany Fisher proudly announced today the arrival of baby Gabe, their long-sought ticket out of every social situation on planet earth. "We are just so, so excited to finally be able to watch…

Whimsical Father Pretends To Mishear Son Saying His Name Is 'Hungry', Spreading Good Cheer To All FRAMINGHAM, MA—Frederic Maxwell, age six, was in for quite the surprise when, feeling in need of nourishment, he relayed to his father, “I am…

Shame: This Woman Gave Life To A Beautiful Child, Completely Missing Out On Soul-Crushing Corporate Career DETROIT, MI—According to a tragic report, local mother Lyn Smith has given birth to a precious brand-new human life, completely…

Husband’s Binge Of 'Executive Actions' Leads To Shaky Poll Numbers After First 100 Days Of Marriage TULSA, OK—Shortly after tying the knot, local husband Kevin Bachman went on a spree of “executive orders” for his wife, and the fallout…

Couple Spends 3 Hours Picking Movie One Of Them Will Fall Asleep To In 12 Minutes BOISE, ID—According to sources, local couple Ryan and Jessica Smith spent 3 hours looking for a movie to watch last night, only for Ryan to fall asleep 12…

Scholars Now Believe Father Abraham Spent Most Of His Time Putting Out Oil Lamps His Kids Left On ISRAEL—Biblical scholars have uncovered an ancient parchment that appears to contain a portion of Father Abraham’s daily diary. The journal…