fast food

WASHINGTON—Breathing a huge sigh of relief when they saw the two halves, a spokesperson for the U.S. populace announced Tuesday that the nation likes it when the hamburger bun is already cut. “Oh thank God—that would have been exhausting,”…

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JACKSON, MI—With camouflage-clad members gathered in corner booths and at high-tops throughout the restaurant, sources confirmed Wednesday that every table at a local Applebee’s was populated by a different militia. “Yeah, so those are the…

CLEVELAND—Debuting what the company described as a completely-new way to enjoy the brand’s signature boxed dinners, packaged food product mainstay Hamburger Helper unveiled a line of erotic casseroles Thursday that is intended to be eaten…

SALISBURY, MD—Saying the company maintained a strong commitment to sustainable agricultural practices, poultry processing conglomerate Perdue Farms pledged Tuesday to plant one chicken for every chicken it sold. “As part of our broader…

FORT LIBERTY, NC—As he signed and muttered, “Here we go again,” 13-year-old Army brat Logan Crawshaw was reportedly kicking himself Tuesday after learning his family would be moving just as he was getting comfortable with a new regional…

DUBLIN, OH—Calling it a discriminatory practice that should have been eliminated years ago, restaurant chain Wendy’s announced Thursday that it would be ending its legacy preferences for customers whose familieshad eaten there before. “In…

KITCHENER – Local carpenter and casual environmentalist Kai Ambrose has announced he’s really excited about using a disposable, paper straw for his recently purchased soft drink, blissfully unaware of the profound frustration waiting for…

By: Bryler Chadwick Why is it that every time I eat at Taco Bell, I’m surrounded by people who eat at Taco Bell?! Like, what kind of people eat this crap? I’m a normal, respectable guy who works at a gym. I just needed to use the washroom,…

ASHEVILLE, NC—Calling it the greatest threat to the restaurant’s ideals since the Butterfly Shrimp Tackle Box was added to the menu in 2009, strict Popeyes originalist Ryan Malburg spoke out Thursday against the chain’s plan to begin…