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EDMONTON – In an effort to be the most responsible driver he can possibly be, John Carnaby is making sure he obeys the speed limit when he cruises through school zones and beans kids with his 2019 Ford Fiesta. “It amazes me that some people…

According to a recent poll, about 13% of Canadians support Donald Trump’s recent suggestion that Canada become the 51st state. Naturally we wanted to ask them “what the fuck is wrong with you?!” But instead we went with “why?” See More:…

TORONTO – As they continue to win games despite being completely unable to score goals, the Toronto Maple Leafs players and coaches expressed confidence that their success will continue as long as their two goalies continue to be the best…

TORONTO – Reports from this morning rush hour suggest that people who drive everywhere continue to wonder why Toronto traffic is so bad. “I don’t understand it,” said Lloyd Travers. “Every day I drive from my home near Lawrence subway…

SAN JUAN, PR – In the wake of Donald Trump unveiling plans to make Canada the 51st U.S. state, Puerto Ricans who have been trying to attain proper electoral representation expressed their frustration with Canada jumping the line and…

OTTAWA – Pierre Poilievre couldn’t contain his glee today upon hearing the news that Donald Trump plans to enact a 25% tariff on Canadian goods as soon as he takes office. “Our largest trading partner increasing the price of all of our…

Brandon, Manitoba – Robert Jones is praying for a miracle as the Canada Post strike enters its second week – the miracle of postal workers putting down their picket signs, shutting the fuck up, and getting back to work. “Postal workers…

By Freya Grosvenor-Kent Two years ago, Elon Musk bought Twitter. I personally didn’t have a problem with that, because I’m a common sense centrist who nevertheless only writes about how much I agree with reactionary ideas. I didn’t believe…

HALIFAX – To the delight of its longstanding customers, Jimmy’s Seafood and Steak Shack has recently installed a 200 galleon tank full of live lobsters so customers can have their pick of which one they want to fuck. “Jimmy’s has long had…

The Hague, Netherlands – The International Criminal Court has issued arrest warrants for Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu and former Defence Minister Yoav Gallant in a clear demonstration of its bias against people who organize the mass…