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OTTAWA – A smug man from Canada wasted no time this morning chastising Americans for re-electing terrifying liar and felon Donald Trump, despite the fact that he plans to vote for terrifying liar and asshole Pierre Poilievre in the next…

RALEIGH – Hundreds of millions of onlookers worldwide have turned their eyes to North Carolina, where international journalists have been embedded for weeks to report on every twist and turn of the state’s agriculture commissioner election.…

TORONTO – With Queen’s Park ordering the removal of the city’s bike lane infrastructure, an exasperated Toronto has offered to start calling Ontario Premier Doug Ford “Mayor”, thus satiating his lifelong yearning for the job, if he just…

NETHERWORLD – Noted hobgoblin-about-town Robin Redpath was spotted far from his regular domestic haunts cavorting with a retinue of goblins, scandalizing those who believe the two species should remain apart. “Hobgoblins are hobgoblins.…

OTTAWA – Yesterday Justin Trudeau made a bold commitment, announcing billions of dollars in funding for a massive government program to make Canadians lives better in some way, which Pierre Poilievre will absolutely cancel when he is…

AIRDRIE – Airdrie’s annual Harvest Festival is clearly just the town’s annual Summer Carnival with some scarecrows and hay bales thrown in, according to underwhelmed sources. “Look, they crossed out most of ‘Yeehaw!’ on the cowboy poster…

Beloved Readers, When we started The Beaverton we were just a bunch of smartasses trying to make each other laugh during our weekly meeting on the second floor of a disgusting pub behind Honest Ed’s (they gave us 10% off chicken wings). We…

TORONTO — Account manager Andrea Gill was quietly dispatched on Tuesday after spending the weekend festooning her workplace with Christmas decorations. “She’d been starting earlier every year,” said HR representative Suzanne Lee. “But…

OTTAWA – Allison Carver, who has recently experienced a series of paranormal events in her home, has told reporters that she was disappointed to discover she’s undergoing a boring, metaphorical haunting rather than the blood-curdling,…

VICTORIA – As the provincial election draws to a close, Conservative Party of B.C. leader John Rustad is making a last push to appeal to voters by denying everything he’s ever said that they think is crazy while affirming everything he’s…