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NEW YORK—As extreme heat continued to batter states across much of the Midwest and East Coast, authorities warned Friday that dozens of Americans had died in what’s really the least of the nation’s problems right now. “We’ve seen numerous…

MUSKEGON, MI—Letting out an emphatic sigh as the boy began crying, local dad Harry Moran reportedly lost his patience Wednesday after providing his child with several continuous seconds of emotional support. “Oh, come on, are we still…

NEW YORK—Moaning with pleasure as they revealed that this was exactly what Daddy needed, the nation’s sick freaks held a press conference Friday to announce their plans to get off on that. “Oh yeah, baby, that’s exactly the crazy shit…

AUBURN HILLS, MI—Attributing the defect to a manufacturing error, pet care company Whisker issued a recall Wednesday on thousands of self-cleaning Litter-Robots that had accidentally transported customers’ cats to the year 1300. “We…

GILBERT, AZ—Noting that just spending a few minutes a day on a toilet had drastically improved her mental and physical health, local woman Jessica Emerson admitted to reporters Monday that she considered her bathroom break self-care. “I…

RIO RANCHO, NM—Scattering excrement here and there on the floor to bring a little Christmas magic to their home, local parents Doug and Sarah Lynch got up early Sunday to place Santa droppings around their living room so they could convince…

Major League Baseball pitcher Shohei Ohtani’s massive contract with the Los Angeles Dodgers has drawn a lot of eyeballs, but the factors that purportedly went into the decision are equally fascinating. Earlier this month, Ohtani, who played…

Eight of the world’s signature flames can be yours with this collector’s set of handcrafted fires made from a variety of flammable materials from around the globe. Includes Zimbabwe thatch hut, old-growth forest, jagged wreckage,…

SALINA, KS—Expressing remorse for ruining the staff’s hard work, local man Jason Reddick told reporters Monday that he always felt guilty shitting on a freshly mopped café floor. “I feel so bad when an employee has literally just put down…

LACONIA, NH—Barnstorming across the nation as his presidential bid falters amid weakening poll numbers, Gov. Ron DeSantis covered himself in shit at numerous campaign stops this week in an effort to appear more relatable to the common man.…