films

AUSTIN, TX—Claiming he would be totally free to come out once the party died down, local man Dan Gorski informed his wealthier friends Monday that he would love to meet up after everyone was done having fun. “If you’re still hanging out…

LOS ANGELES—In a last-ditch effort to turn a profit on the lackluster feature, Paramount Pictures managed to salvage a terrible film’s box-office numbers by promoting it as the movie liberals don’t want you to see, sources within the studio…

Though recent years have seen a dramatic uptick in child labor law violations, many states are rolling back protections for teenagers and permitting them to work more dangerous jobs. If you come into contact with a teenage factory worker,…

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AUSTIN, TX—In an effort to ensure the group had a cohesive look, local woman Taylor Wyatt reportedly informed her bridesmaids Wednesday they would be required to get matching plastic surgery for her wedding day. “I know it’s a lot to ask,…

Elizabeth Gilbert, the bestselling author of Eat, Pray, Love, announced that she is halting the release of her next book following a “massive” backlash about its setting in Russia. What do you think?“All stories should be set in niceplaces…

More economically anxious and lonelier than ever, Americans are increasingly returning to movie theaters in hopes of catching the ending before the mass shooting starts. The Onion highlights the most-anticipated films of summer…

SAN FRANCISCO—Emphasizing that it was only offering an opinion and any choice made would be acceptable, a little voice reportedly whispered, “…or you could just get takeout,” Tuesday despite already knowing it had won. “Just offering my two…

LAS VEGAS—Debuting the high-budget sequel at this year’s CinemaCon, director Dennis Villeneuve confirmed Wednesday that Dune: Part Two willpick up right where viewers fell asleep during the first one. “I think audiences are going to love…

CABO SAN LUCAS—In a show of support forthe bride-to-be who had asked them to stand by her side on her wedding day, a bachelorette party confirmed Friday that they’d spent a combined $6,000 to end up hating each other. The party, which…