films

More economically anxious and lonelier than ever, Americans are increasingly returning to movie theaters in hopes of catching the ending before the mass shooting starts. The Onion highlights the most-anticipated films of summer…

SAN FRANCISCO—Emphasizing that it was only offering an opinion and any choice made would be acceptable, a little voice reportedly whispered, “…or you could just get takeout,” Tuesday despite already knowing it had won. “Just offering my two…

LAS VEGAS—Debuting the high-budget sequel at this year’s CinemaCon, director Dennis Villeneuve confirmed Wednesday that Dune: Part Two willpick up right where viewers fell asleep during the first one. “I think audiences are going to love…

CABO SAN LUCAS—In a show of support forthe bride-to-be who had asked them to stand by her side on her wedding day, a bachelorette party confirmed Friday that they’d spent a combined $6,000 to end up hating each other. The party, which…

BOSTON—Noting that they definitely had some sort of mission statement when they started in 2015, leaders of a local nonprofit told reporters Tuesday that they no longer recall who they were originally planning to help. “Let’s see, I can…

NEW YORK—Pleading for a little extra time to scroll their “For You” page, the nation asked Friday if it could have just five more minutes on TikTok before Congress banned it. “We just want to finish this four-part video of this woman…

CHICAGO—With dumbfounded question marks and astounded exclamation points littering the margins of almost every page, the handwritten annotations found Wednesday in a secondhand copy of The Autobiography Of Malcolm X made it painfully…

STOCKTON, CA—Demonstrating a direct correlation between the two phenomena, local man Campbell Rymski’s reported use of the word ‘babe’ increased exponentially Monday as his girlfriend closed in on the truth. “Babe, please. Babe, it’s not…

PALO ALTO, CA—Noting the eerie feeling of being surveilled, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg reportedly expressed concern Tuesday that Facebook was listening to him after he received a targeted ad for a shirt that read “I Just Laid Off 10,000…

MINNEAPOLIS—Rolling their eyes at the man’s bullheadedness, sources confirmed Wednesdaythat local 65-year-old Patrick Moyer was so Covid paranoid he still would not remove his ventilator. “It’s been three years since the pandemic…