films

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NEW YORK—The NFL community was rocked by another disclosure of a devastating brain injury Wednesday after commissioner Roger Goodell announced that thinking too hard about football had given him CTE. “It is with sadness that I tell you…

WASHINGTON—After a particularly bad hit to the head left a member of the Commanders unresponsive, NFL gravediggers were seen rushing to the field Sunday to deliver last rites and bury the unconscious player. Several reports indicated that…

HOLLYWOOD – Gossip is buzzing this week about a new tentpole film release set for next year: Star Guards, starring Skarsgard and Sarsgaard. A synopsis of the film, which dropped Tuesday on the producer’s website, sets out the sci-fi epic’s…

GRAVENHURST, ON ― Local middle manager and willful snob Kenneth Thomas had a fantastic time last night, when a party he attended gave him a chance to casually reveal to a host of new people that he has never seen a single episode of Star…

YAKIMA, WA—Indignant over her continued ability to burn, visibly angry local woman Maria Williams, who is currently ablaze, asked aloud Tuesday why she even bothered to get a Covid-19 vaccine if it turned out she could still catch fire.…

PHILADELPHIA—Furrowing his brow while paging through the newspaper’s arts and culture section, local 6-year-old Tyler Endicott reportedly struggled Thursday with whether to see Space Jam: A New Legacy after reading a negative review in The…

DAYTON, OH—Expressing frustration at their pet’s continual barking and whimpering, sources within the Smyth family confirmed Sunday that their dog Jasper had gotten completely freaked out by the Independence Day fireworks getting shot…

WILSON, WY—Following news that the military withdrawal had ramped up after U.S. troops pulled out of Bagram Airfield, former Vice President Dick Cheney was overheard Friday muttering “Someone’s gotta occupy Afghanistan” as he shoved a cache…

EVANSTON, IL—The high-level meetings having been triggered by a quorum of participants returning to their hometown for a visit, sources confirmed a group of former high school classmates convened at a local bar Friday to resume their…