Finance

NEW YORK, NY — Local stockbroker and lifelong Democrat Dean Watter fell into utter despair today, tears falling from his eyes as he watched the stock market recover.Friends and relatives expressed deep concern about Watter's anguish. "He…

ANNAPOLIS, MD — Local financial advisor Rick Rosas announced that now was the time for utter panic and urged his clients to hastily make huge money moves based on pure emotion.Rosas called each of his clients one by one advising them to…

SIOUX FALLS, SD — Local man Thomas Woodward suddenly ramped up his Lenten observance this past week, completely giving up having money in his retirement account.After years of having dollar bills in his 401k, Woodward surprised his wife…

Watching your retirement account tumble as $10 trillion in market value evaporates can be a stressful experience. Here are seven facts to make you feel at ease as you watch the stock market plunge:You now have less money to worry about…

After President Trump called out Bank of America’s CEO Thursday for debanking conservatives, the company strenuously denies that it has ever refused service based on Americans’ political or religious beliefs. But free speech lawyers say the…

For many Americans, our banks know more about our lives than our own mothers. Based on our financial records, they can accurately guess a customer’s religious beliefs, political leanings, and more. Yet this extensive knowledge has been used…

If you've ever lived in a capitalist country, you'll know exactly how difficult it can sometimes be to keep your nose above the poverty line.We at the Babylon Bee have conducted extensive research and discovered 17 red flags of poverty that…

U.S. — After winding up in debt from blowing through $1.2 billion in just three months, Vice President Kamala Harris called in to the Dave Ramsey Show to ask for some financial guidance."One point two... billion dollars," repeated Ramsey…

Metrolinx, the entity whose approach to completing the Eglinton LRT is most accurately comparable to George R.R. Martin’s approach to finishing the A Song Of Ice And Fire books, has raised eyebrows for it’s costs in recent weeks. These…

U.S. — Resourceful restaurateur Eugene H. Krabs announced plans this week to convert the hundreds of vacated Red Lobster locations into new Krusty Krab franchises."Hello! I like money, and you're going to love what me crew did with the ol'…