Finance

Economy Takes Sharp Dive As Nation Stays Home From Work To Play New 'Super Smash Bros.' Game U.S.—The economy took an unprecedented hit Friday as the entire nation stayed home from work to play the new Super Smash Bros. game. Business and…

Local Woman's Sudden Desire To Start A Small Group Definitely Has Nothing To Do With Her Work-From-Home Jewelry Sales Business FOOTHILL MEADOWS, CA—Local woman Tricia Powers confirmed Monday that her sudden interest in running a small group…

NORTH POLE—Citing his inability to keep up with Amazon's lightning-fast shipping times and low prices, Santa Claus filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy today and will cease all shipping operations for the 2018 Christmas season. Kids around the…

NEWPORT BEACH, CA—Lots of people love Chipotle's guacamole, but it wasn't always affordable for the vast majority of the Mexican food chain's customers. All that's changing now with the company's latest innovation: easy monthly payment…

DEARBORN, MI—According to reports from Plainview Baptist Church, local parishioner Matthew Daniels makes it a habit to open his wallet and generously give to the church a portion of whatever money is left over in his budget at the end of…

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The recently passed omnibus federal spending bill includes up to $30 million earmarked for paying off women President Trump had affairs with, sources within Congress revealed Monday. A small paragraph on the 768th page of…

MINAS TIRITH, GONDOR—Kicking off a major trade war between the two kingdoms, the Middle-Earth Trade Federation has announced heavy tariffs on the import of Narnian steel, sending the stock market into a freefall Thursday. Any steel…

WASHINGTON, D.C.—As the nation’s tax refund checks begin making their way back to Americans, sources at the Internal Revenue Service confirmed Wednesday that IRS agents are still waiting for liberals who complain about any kind of tax cut…

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a move to secure a better, more prosperous future for the nation’s children, the President and Congress joined together to launch a GoFundMe campaign Monday in order to pay off the crippling $20 trillion the United…

FAIRFIELD, PA—Local parents Louis and Zoe Draper welcomed an adorable, 8 pound, 5 ounce, 20-inch-long tax credit into the world, sources at Mercy Hospital confirmed Thursday. The exhausted but beaming parents welcomed the newborn Child Tax…