Finance

DIAGON ALLEY, LONDON — The world-renowned Gringotts Bank has filed for bankruptcy and is closing its doors permanently, sources confirmed Thursday, after admitting that its business model of hoarding its customers' gold in a giant cavern…

NEW YORK—Calling it a desirable low-risk, high-yield option, financial experts reportedly recommended Thursday that Americans invest in businesses the government will bail out anytime they fuck up. “We strongly encourage people to put their…

SANTA CLARA, CA — Executives at Silicon Valley Bank are reeling after learning one of the most brutal lessons in banking: if you invest your money irresponsibly, the government will just bail you out."This is a tough lesson to learn — the…

SANTA CLARA, CA — Following the unexpected collapse of Silicon Valley Bank, company officials have reached out to customers who lost their life savings with promises of a free pen."This is our bad," said CEO Gregory Becker. "So please be…

Image CreditVictoria Marshall “President Biden is prioritizing politics over his own people,” House Speaker Kevin McCarthy said at a signing ceremony for a bill that would nullify a Department of Labor rule that allowed retirement…

Amalgamated Bank, with just five branches across three cities, would seem an unlikely mover and shaker in the world of Wall Street, let alone Washington, D.C. Yet last fall, it successfully pressured colossal credit card companies…

WASHINGTON—Still groggy and sore from the late night, Mitt Romney was reportedly exhausted Wednesday after scolding all 535 liars in Congress. “Oh boy, it took until 3 a.m., but I finally got it done,” said the disheveled, red-eyed senator,…

OTTAWA – Recent consumer data was shows an alarming majority of Canadians continue to spend their grocery budget on groceries, despite the advice of financial experts to buy grocery stocks instead. “Canadian food prices are sky high, as is…

HARLINGEN, TX — Local man Gary Marmon climbed to the top of The Forbes 400 after it was revealed he possessed both Taylor Swift tickets and a dozen eggs. Marmon beat out former richest man Elon Musk, who called the newcomer a beacon of…

SAN ANTONIO—Saying a series of fiscally irresponsible decisions had led to the local 10-year-old’s present insolvency, top financial analysts stated Tuesday that debt-ridden fourth-grader Daniel Brown should have stopped himself from…