Finance

MISSISSAUGA, ON – According to a recent analysis of financial trends within your friend group, it was revealed that your friend Liam who totally knows everything about finance is also the same friend that is always losing money. “Sure, the…

WILMINGTON—This week, local man Don Johnson told friends and family he had been struck with a revelation: his “Bored Ape” NFT may not have been a bulletproof investment vehicle, and perhaps he should have diversified his investments a bit.…

AUSTIN, TX—With the stock market crashing and a recession seeming more likely, local crypto investor Sid Sanchez is thankful he can at least still afford imaginary cryptofood and a pretend cryptocar. "It's a good thing I invested my entire…

NATIONWIDE- A new study conducted by Statistics Canada has shown that only around 7% of Canadians are expected to accrue enough revenge to fully pay off the amount of blood debt they have or will incur in their lives. “Blood feud settlement…

NASHVILLE, TN—This Tuesday, a woman called in to “The Dave Ramsey Show” under compulsion from concerned relatives. Dave Ramsey, the show’s host, listened to her explanation of how she landed in $51,600 of credit card debt and then told her…

OTTAWA – In the wake of this week’s trillion dollar crypto-market meltdown, Conservative leadership candidate Pierre Poilievre has vowed to find an even riskier and more fraud-prone investment trend to campaign on. “In March I promised to…

PACIFIC PALISADES, CA—After the spectacular crash in the cryptocurrency market this week, Matt Damon and his publicists worked overtime to produce a new commercial to apologize for convincing amateurs to invest in cryptocurrency. “History…

LUXEMBOURG—To honor women, The Ferrero Group has repackaged the popular candy bar 100 Grand® as 77 Grand® to account for women making only 77 cents on the dollar. The limited-edition candy bar will also cost twice as much and…

U.S.—As a result of burgeoning inflation rates, anyone attempting to give an opinion must now add their four cents to a conversation in lieu of the traditional two. Economists expect a dramatic decrease in the number of opinions shared as a…

CANADA—Under orders from the Supreme Chancellor of the People's Republic of Canada Justin Trudeau, all bank ATMs across the provinces will now require anyone attempting to withdraw money from their accounts to take a small quiz on…