Finance

OTTAWA – In the wake of this week’s trillion dollar crypto-market meltdown, Conservative leadership candidate Pierre Poilievre has vowed to find an even riskier and more fraud-prone investment trend to campaign on. “In March I promised to…

PACIFIC PALISADES, CA—After the spectacular crash in the cryptocurrency market this week, Matt Damon and his publicists worked overtime to produce a new commercial to apologize for convincing amateurs to invest in cryptocurrency. “History…

LUXEMBOURG—To honor women, The Ferrero Group has repackaged the popular candy bar 100 Grand® as 77 Grand® to account for women making only 77 cents on the dollar. The limited-edition candy bar will also cost twice as much and…

U.S.—As a result of burgeoning inflation rates, anyone attempting to give an opinion must now add their four cents to a conversation in lieu of the traditional two. Economists expect a dramatic decrease in the number of opinions shared as a…

CANADA—Under orders from the Supreme Chancellor of the People's Republic of Canada Justin Trudeau, all bank ATMs across the provinces will now require anyone attempting to withdraw money from their accounts to take a small quiz on…

PEAKS HOLLOW, MT—Local man Hank Grizzle started up his personal savings account strong this year by saving 16 cents on his July 4 BBQ. And his account just got another boost with the 2-cent savings on gas the country has seen over the last…

Man Excited For Giant Refund After Claiming $1 Million Of 'Unrealized Charitable Donations' RENO, NV—According to sources, local taxpayer Brad Chuckston just finished preparing his taxes and is looking forward to a large refund after…

CONWAY, AR—Ten-year-old Billy Smurth’s birthday party went from fun to frightening when U.S. Secretary of Treasury Janet Yellen burst out of his birthday cake to take his birthday money. “No! Don’t take off your—” Billy’s dad yelled before…

White House Says You Would Be Able To Afford Food If You Had Kept The 16 Cents You Saved On July 4th WASHINGTON, D.C.—Speaking at a press conference early Tuesday, White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki reminded American citizens that…

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen has formulated a brilliant new plan to pay for Joe Biden's "Build Back Better" plan, which still needs to be paid for even though Biden said the cost was $0. To accomplish this, she…